so!! jesus christ!! okay i went to denfur in 2025 as a volunteer w/ the game room and that was Neat but i didn't really have anything big to say about it because yk i was kinda stuck in that room the whole time (yada yada no wifi had to tether the cabinets to hotspot whatever)
but i decided screw that i'm going as an attendee this year and. i was already dead set on it even if i was going alone (which, looking back on it, Bad idea azzy!! you get overwhelmed way too easy to go alone!!) but i ended up not going alone!! i went with (not gonna namedrop cause i dunno feels weird without asking) M, a friend i've known for years and years, and its partner who i'd talked to a bit but not nearly as often obviously
Wow!! I couldn't have expected how much i would fucking love this!! And how overwhelmed i would've ended up anyway!! And how much it would make me reflect on what I am and what WE(&) are!! But jesus christ!!
ive never felt more free to be myself while also still being a little anxious and afraid of actually doing it but every time i was able to break that shell it was amazing and it made me so fucking happy. not even just because of the con but being with two people who were much more Open and shit like. god it made me realize that i've just been forcing a persona this whole time!! and i've been ignoring who I Am!! and that i've kinda just been existing as a weird blend of all the people in my head!! Fuck!!!
i'm not mortis azzy and vi!! i'm just Azzy! Mortis is someone else!! she's usually cofronting but that was showing up as just being blendy and awful!! but jesus christ i got super overwhelmed one night and Mortis took over and that made me go Ohhh fuck !!! Right!!! I'm plural!! so this weird blend ends up being all guarded and bitting all the time to drive attention away from itself but THAT'S NOT ME!! i'm Azzy!! i'm a little freak i want to be cute and bubbly and shit!! i'm a furry!! i want to have a tail and silly paws and big bunny ears!! i like listening to bubbly happy music because that's what feels Me!! (not that i dont like other stuff but yk. it doesn't feel like Me Music just stuff i like)
like okay. i was going to go to a panel about agere and related stuff one day of the con but i got kind of mentally screwed over it because i started thinking about all the people that abandoned me after saying they'd be there forever. which obviously is Really Reaaaallly bad for me! Mortis took over for a bit to deal with the immediate Really Bad feelings but when i came back we were in the car and i just kinda cried for a couple hours (it was half crying half falling asleep to be honest because i was running off of a single hour of sleep but whatever that's beside the point) and just. Oh my god it felt so good to just be emotional?? and let it out?? and it was Just Me for once Mortis wasn't there cofronting and i. Ahhhh. there are big Azzy changes coming!! i don't have money to commission things but i swear there are big Azzy changes!! big Vi changes!! big Mortis changes!!
i want to be better for next year. i want to be more sociable i want to be able to go and say hi to someone without worrying about "oh god what if they think i'm creepy because i don't Look Right (it's dysphoria)" i wanna act bubbly and stuff without worrying about that!! and it's just something i need to get over!! but i can do it!! i'm gonna be honest i'm completely losing my train of thoughts but god. i'm scared and afraid and that's okay. i'm scared that the person i become is going to be someone i am happy with but someone that doesn't fit in the places that the current blended fucked up "me" fits in. and i think that'll be okay. the people that love Me will still be there. and i'm done compromising myself for the sake of fitting in whether that's with family or certain friend groups or anything like that. the people that deserve Me will continue to be by my side and that's all i need.
will those who know the "me" that goes by all these different peoples' names still like the true Me that i become? who knows! is it worth thinking about? fuck no!! but you know what i fucking miss?? i miss being a furry!! sure i have a sona and i have comms and shit but i barely actually interact with it anymore! and that sucks so so bad!!! i wanna use uwu and owo and :3 again without a layer of irony over it!! i want comms that mean something to me not just stupid bits!! i let all the trauma and issues i have create this layer of shielding around me that i hate!!
somebody that i do not talk to anymore for very good reason once described me as a being of love. a creature that is just so full of love and care and kindness for everything in and on this earth. and i give that love to everything i can no matter what. I let something get in the way of that and it ruined my sense of self for years.
that's who i am. I'm Azzy, a creature full of endless unrelenting love and care. for everyone and everything. a being with hope crossed on its heart. i'm a little rabbit-goat plush digital creature Thing that may still not have the most concrete idea of self but god damn it if i'm not closer than i was years ago. i can't stand the thought of repeating this anxiety and stress over just saying hi and asking for a picture with someone next year.
it's going to hurt to be myself like this because instead of trying to fill the voids by giving up and letting a full mask take over i'm going to show those voids that i love them. I can never fill them or forget about them but i don't think i want to anymore. who would i be now if not for everything i've gone through? would i have gone to this con? would i have moved out? would i have found the communities i'm in now? who knows! but i don't think i would want it any other way. things hurt but it's a reminder that i'm alive. it hurts to remember, but remembering is the thing i've got. i'll never know if they think about me, or wonder how i'm doing, or hope that i'm doing fine. but i know what i think and hope. i hope every single one of them is doing okay. they might have hurt me and left irreperable marks but that's okay. they were hurt too, i'm sure. would i let any of them back in? of course not. absolutely not. but i hope they're okay. i hope N is doing well with that partner we told them not to get back with over and over and they just kept doing it. i hope A and F are living happily married together without me as even a friend. i hope A and I and L got help for the things they felt were okay to do to someone so much younger than them. i hope M continues to live the life that she wanted rather than the one she was forced into when i knew her. i hope J found someone who could be what she needed. i hope B and G and all the others in that group are. i dont know. normal with their relationships with each other lol that was a whole clusterfuck.
is it because of my outpouring of love for everyone and everything that i've been hurt so much? like.. yeah, probably. but i don't care. that's who i am and i refuse to not be myself anymore. i'll take as much of their pain and their suffering as i can and carry it with me so just maybe they don't have to suffer as much.
i'm just going to drop a quote again like i did with the linked verse post because ahhhh !! i love posting quotes from formative Azzy media!
a thought i'm obsessed with is that it takes seven years for your body to completely remake itself.
and the reason i can't stop thinking about it, is that the person i was seven years ago is gone.
and i'm terrified that i don't know who she is. that i've lost touch with that person.
that i've failed her.
maybe the kindest thing you can do for that version of you is to be better than they were?
you just have to keep doing the best you can. and you'll get better at it. and it'll take forever.
but you will get better at it.
and i don't know who i am right now.
and i don't know who i am right now.
but i am better than who i was before.
but i am better than who i was before.
i am seven years different.
i am seven years different.
and i am seven years better.
and i am seven years better.
and i refuse
and i refuse
to be worse
than who i was before.
~ Azzy.
૮꒰ ˶• ༝ •˶꒱ა
p.s.
i had to take a lot of time off for everything happening this month so
once money stops being tight ummm i'm getting on estrogen <3 low dose, i'm still definitely nonbinary despite all the Thoughts and everything and i don't reaally want big boobs or anything but yeah. big Azzy changes <3